on being perfect :: final thoughts

{part one & part two here; just some thoughts after hearing an impactful speech}

I have no words that will release you into never struggling again with perfectionism.

This post may even disappoint and bring on more questions than answers.

I can however, point towards a few directions that caused a change of mentality and attitude :: that radically rocked this walk with a holy God.

Early in our marriage, we came across a book just released whose title pulled the reader in.  My husband read chapters and quickly attempted to peak my interest as well.  I was not hooked.  In the Grip of Grace?  Really?  Through my mind came the usual and often heard responses to that word grace ::

“Oh, grace is wimpy isn’t it?  It’s for those who are trying to get away with sin, who want God to cover-up their mistakes with quick forgiveness.  He’s a holy God!  He has standards!  Grace is only a way out….”

What a serious lack of understanding.

In the first few pages of this book (yes, I did finally concede to reading) the author tells the story of several brothers who have failed their father by running away and finding themselves living among people & ways unlike their homeland.  Each one’s response to their wrongdoing is described as only Max Lucado can do.  One gives up and becomes like the rest, believing a way back to the father is impossible.  Another is so angry at this brother and chooses to carefully watch & record the wrong being done (therefore ignoring his own misdeeds).  And one son does return when the messenger comes with an announcement that the father is awaiting them all.

But is was the fourth son that caused me to stop flipping pages and read this story multiple times.  One son…he couldn’t accept a way back to the father when the messenger arrived.  Simply return after what he had done?

Just go with this messenger? 

Instead, this son chooses to try and work his way back into favor.  Instead of accepting the ride home, he tries to build a new way back home.  It was impossible, the journey too long.  And yet, he works and works and works…

Unable to accept that the way home was to ride the messenger’s back, this son slaves away with little success that he cannot see will never work; he is so proud of the accomplishment that is destined to fail.  He was unable to accept a father who was granting him favor, a way to himself, that the son had not earned. 

He couldn’t accept grace.

I could relate to this son and the striving; the cringing inside when I failed and the attempt to ‘not ever do that again’, whatever THAT was.  The attempt of perfectionism block’s ones view.  First, there is the pride issue and the belief that ‘all is well when I do well—and I really haven’t done much wrong’, which is false at best.  Then, when there is inevitable failure or mistakes, perfectionism breeds a condemning attitude : ‘What was I thinking?  How could I have been so…(fill in the blank)?’  So efforts are doubled up, reinforcements put in place :: legalism established or restored.

What a vicious cycle that kills the spirit!  Oh, we need grace. 

What is this grace all about?

I offer simple thoughts, not great theology.  Grace is what makes up the difference.  It is the undeserved favor of God that will ‘fill in the blanks’ when we come up short.  And we always will.  We are responsible to do our part, but God already knows that our very best, even if it could be perfect all of the time, will always fall short to what is needed.  This could be a depressing thought, except for His grace (Eph 2: 8-9).

Because grace makes up the difference.  God already provided a way for those of us who tend to lean towards the striving, the gaining of success by our efforts alone, the thinking we may actually have it all together.  Grace keeps me from being caught up in who I am supposed to be and accepting of who I am—and who God is through me (I Cor 15:10). 

As mothers, wives, as women on this journey…we need grace.  Not only for ourselves, but also for those who follow.

Lord, grant us understanding.

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If you or anyone else battles with this concept of grace as I did, I highly recommend ~

The book of Romans :: by far the best explanation of this often misunderstood concept of grace.  Read it front to back, over & over, asking the Lord to illuminate the truths within the words.  He will.

The Grip of Grace by Max Lucado :: an extension of understanding Romans in simple, everyday language.  Excellent!

 

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the whole series:

part one:  a reformed perfectionist

part two:  perfectionism is insecurity.  insecurity is fear.

final thoughts:  in the grip of grace

 

photo credit

on being perfect :: final thoughts

from our days

{we’ll continue sharing around perfectionism & grace tomorrow :: just a few shots from our family that I am grateful for today…}

Gratitude from our days as a family ::

:: for this 4 month old’s focus 

:: for siblings willing to read together

:: and play together

 

:: for creativity!

  :: for a little girl growing in reading skills

:: for new ways to organize!

:: for the sights & smells of baking in the kitchen 

 

For all this, I give thanks!  Participating in A Holy Experience’s Multitude Mondays.

{to answer a question ~ yes, I’ve recently disabled the comments on the blog; a brief explanation here.  Please feel free to share thoughts via email however, I enjoy hearing from you!  domesticserenity(AT)gmail(DOT)com , replace with appropriate symbols, no spaces.  thanks!}

from our days

on being perfect :: part two

{part one here :: writing in response to thoughts shared at the Relevant conference}

Earlier this year I read Beth Moore’s newest book, So Long, Insecurity and found one sentence to be a stopper :: one that will stay in my mind for a long time.

“Perfectionism is insecurity in an art form.”  Beth writes that statement in such eloquent terms. 

A form of art :: where the individual has mastered the striving so well that the results almost seem beautiful, picturesque even and therefore soliciting the adoration of others.  Which of course feeds the cycle of perfectionism/insecurity even more.

In the words of this quote lies the foundation for the ferocious battle of trying to keep it all together all of the time.

FEAR.  A fear that drains the color from life.

Insecurity is the desperate fear that we won’t be accepted, applauded, or approved of by whichever group is the focus of our attentions.  So we try harder and do better at keeping up appearances while allowing very little access into the real tender part of us that wonders how much will be enough. 

Perfectionism is tricky, a slippery slope indeed.  In my case, my God-given personality is hard-wired for being detailed, orderly and for pursuing excellence.  It’s not a stress factor, just simply the way I am.  Think of Moses and of the necessary focus needed to fully write out God’s law exactly as He gave it :: yep, that’s me.  There is nothing wrong with this!  Let me say that again.

Pursuing excellence is not the problem :: I was born this way with the intention by God that it be used for good and for His glory.  So were you, whatever the personality.

This gift from God becomes a hindrance to me when my strength stretches out too far and becomes my weakness.  When the focus of my attention is others and not God’s glory ::  when the approval of God’s favor upon me is based on performance and ‘excellent’ behavior…well, the good gift is misused and misunderstood. 

Strengths overextended become weaknesses.  But there is a way out of this cycle, this messy path.

 

An understanding and acceptance of GRACE :: abundant, lavish grace :: that restores all of the color.

 

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the whole series:

part one:  a reformed perfectionist

part two:  perfectionism is insecurity.  insecurity is fear.

final thoughts:  in the grip of grace

 

photo credit

 

on being perfect :: part two

on being perfect :: part one

I’m a reformed perfectionist.

You know, the Type A first-born sort of thing.  But much bigger in my case.  This is a result of a combination of factors from personality (God-given!) to home life growing up.  Childhood for me was full of an abundance of rules and structure, but I don’t necessarily see all of this as completely out of line. 

My mother I’m convinced is the original FlyLady and could have made some money in her day.  Once-a-month cooking or freezing food ahead of time?  Yep, she missed publicizing that one too as this was a norm in our household long before the books & press.  You see what I mean…we were that kind of family and I was that kind of kid.

So, what then is the big deal?  Is the desire for keeping surroundings uncluttered or organized an issue? 

Being ultra-detailed and a planner a problem?

Well, it can be…

At the Relevant Conference last weekend, Ann Voskamp (probably my favorite modern day writer), spoke some profound words that has me pondering and thinking much. 

“We do not achieve our identity in Christ, we receive it.”  Her words that caused my pen to pause and my heart to beat loudly as I recalled times past :: of the chains that hindered freedom.

The former problem of perfectionism in my life is wrapped up in those few words.  Somehow the truth became twisted as I was caught in the trap of believing that if all was in order (and if I could keep it this way nearly all of the time), then the approval of man and God was in the bag.

Big. Fat. Lie.  And yet, this way of thinking dominated my life for years.  Achieving and not receiving, only to be left soul-tired and weary.  This pattern of thought bears little, or let me be bold and say NO fruit.

So how did I unwind and unravel this mindset? 

I didn’t.  But I did have a head-on-collision with GRACE…

*************

the whole series:

part one:  a reformed perfectionist

part two:  perfectionism is insecurity.  insecurity is fear.

final thoughts:  in the grip of grace

 

photo credit

on being perfect :: part one

kindred spirits

I've been away before, alone at times to reflect and soak up the quiet.  Home life is full of noise, good sounds of course, but I crave a piece of quiet every now and then...

...but this time, the yearly pilgrimage away from the home front led to a strong desire to connect, to meet with women of like-minded vision and purpose.  To not be considered odd.

And so, I stole away to the Relevant Conference last weekend.  A carved out place and space of time for women who write :: who pour their hearts out to a screen, click, and pray that the message has meaning, brings hope, or somehow stirs the soul.

My words are often timid ones, shared with shakiness of spirit :: writers understand this fragile nature of our pen to paper {or fingers to keyboard} experiences.  And in the space of forty-eight short long hours, I found grace among sisters in Christ who write.

Kindred spirits who connected with the shakiness and yet the desire to shape an audience's mind and heart with words.  The only response is to give thanks to the unseen One who knew the felt need for sisterhood among authors, speakers, and yes...bloggers.

I am grateful.

I am changed.

Wisdom graciously shared from the speakers ::

"You can't give away what you don't have in your heart.  It's the living of life, not the writing of life that means something.  Crafting a message that will change hearts includes words of truth plus a life of integrity."

Sally Clarkson, Whole Heart Ministries

"There's a difference between being encouraging vs. painting a picture on our blogs of a life that doesn't really exist.  It's too easy to be filled by the affirmation of others (in comments & such) instead of by the Lord.  Be authentic, having a deep sense of littleness."

Angie Smith, Bring the Rain

"We don't always get to pick our story, but we can all show God through it."

Serena Woods, Grace is for Sinners

"We do not achieve our identity in Christ, we receive our identity in Him.  We serve with our writing, our blogs.  Give to God the deepest parts of yourself and share in writing pieces of what God has done :: yet always write for an audience of one, Him alone."

Ann Voskamp, A Holy Experience 

 

photo from conference: Dayspring's wooden book crops

kindred spirits

in the stillness

The desire for quiet, and even the planning for such times, does not always match up to how life will unfold :) 

I say this with a smile as life in the last week offered more opportunities for me to be ‘in the midst’ instead of away from it all for a little.  Which is of course a perfect set-up to see how I would respond!  Ahem.  Oh, it’s all good and this weekend is yet another time with pockets away for reflection & refreshment.

So, I continue to be still in this space…

 

May your week unfold with grace.  May you see the gifts of His hand all around you, even ‘in the midst’.

Blessings.

in the stillness

a call to quiet

in the last week or so, I’ve sensed a need to still myself before the Lord to hear :: to hear more of Him.

nothing is wrong, life is moving along well and we are blessed with good times and good health.

and still, I hear Him calling me…

…asking me to release as much as possible some of the ‘noise’ (even the good of life can be too loud when listening for the Savior’s voice).  So, I am quieting activities that can pause for a moment, preparing the home for my short absences in the next week and scheduling a few pockets of time to steal away.

 

To hear the One and Only, the lover of my soul,

this Jesus who means so very much to me.

{so I pause in this space for a short break, perhaps a week? maybe more, to still myself. 

Be well friends, and I’ll return soon}

 

a call to quiet

cultural celebrations :: A Spanish fiesta!

Okay yes, yes…I already know that all of the foods pictured above are not Spanish or having anything to do with Spain or even Mexico (though we’re not to the Americas for a while).  However, there is a long standing tradition in Spain, the focus of our studies recently along with Portugal, to enjoy food called tapas.

And oh, how we really like that idea!  Appetizers of any variety (from our understanding, nearly anything can be tapas), served on small plates and enjoyed with great conversation.  Sounds like a meal plan to me! 

Our menu ::

crackers & vegan ‘cream cheese’ topped with sweet pepper jelly

a layered bean dip w/tortilla chips

french bread pan-fried in olive oil and topped with bruschetta (our recipe is at the bottom of this post)

cocktail shrimp (a little bit found in the back of the freezer! :)

maple chicken drumsticks

Simple decor included a red tablecloth and leftover decorations from our twelve-year old’s birthday party three years ago (yes, we seem to keep stuff like this).  Though we had intended to add some Spanish or flamenco music in the background, I think we were more focused on the food than dinner music!  A fun evening indeed….

A few tidbits ::

did you hear about the bullfight weeks ago in Spain that ended up with a bull in the stands!? fortunately there were no fatalities & only minor injuries.

we took a look at the Spanish galleons, huge ships used by explorers and tradesmen in the past

and don’t forget the benefit of touring the world via the virtual globe Google Earth :: we’ve enjoyed visiting the landscape and famous places of each country

cultural celebrations :: A Spanish fiesta!

gratitude rises above

sometimes I am really weary at the end of a day…

…at times motherhood, keeping a home, and the full life we have leaves me exhausted.

there are days it’s tempting to think this phase of life with little ones will go on forever…

and then I download pictures from my camera and gratitude for these days (though tiring at times) wells up in my heart.  I know the time is fleeting, and scenes like these will soon be only memories :: and so I give thanks…

for his wonder of the outdoor world

a little girl learning new sporting skills

and gaming skills

for his intensity :)

for toys strewn about the yard

for diapers that need changing and baby—okay toddler—legs

 for a doting auntie and uncle!

 for sacked out little ones in the car

and for creative messes that need to be cleaned up…

:::

For all of this Lord, I am grateful.  One can lose sight and vision in the day-to-day of a home full of activity, noise! and the many needs of the little people around me.  I pray that You restore my sight and cause me to really see from heaven’s perspective.  Remind me of the eternal nature of what is happening in our home. 

Let me see You at work….

Amen!

gratitude rises above

happy birthday to the Papa

 He frowns because of the sun…otherwise, this husband of mine is a really friendly man! :)

happy birthday to the Dad and Papa in our home!  How extremely blessed we are for his presence, his leadership & love, his steadfastness (the man is a solid rock!).  We appreciate you so very much and are grateful for all of who you are to us….

and so we celebrate in style today…happy, happy birthday!

happy birthday to the Papa