June 30, 2010

the delicate dance

{this space is mostly a record of joy, the beauty around me and the life I’m privileged to have.  today I post a mixture :: a bit of reflection on news that has pierced our hearts, wounded our spirits and brought a ray of joy as well.  I believe it’s only right to be true and honest, even in blog world; especially in blog world.  it’s the story of a dance…and with my daughter’s permission, I record a little of the journey here…}

She’s a wisp of a girl still, this graduate of mine

Tender and tough has been the journey between us :: the closeness we share is evident through memories past and present.  And memories still to be made in the future.  She’s a good girl, she is.  And oh, how I love her.

Because of her, I’ve grown and matured.  Children have this effect I believe :: exposing the vanity that can often envelope our hearts as parents.   This Mama was a very young mother full of expectation, determination and…pride.  I often observe other mothers now and chuckle softly to myself, knowing that one day they too will wake up to the fact that maybe, just maybe…they are not the best mother in the world.  God usually doesn’t allow pride to have much room; He knows it’s a trap.

So my girl and I grew together as the family grew as well.  The road we’ve traveled has encountered its mountains and valleys, but we all set our sights high.  The fabric of our family, pieced together by His grace, has been strong.  And as we approached the end of a chapter to exchange high school years for young adult ones…that strength was tested.  And often the material frayed or was torn in places.  Yet, grace always mended the wrongs and patched up offenses.  And the journey continued…

It’s a delicate dance, motherhood. 

Often you topple between the partners of both grief and joy, sashaying across the floor with celebration the day they’re born or come into your life, say their first word, enter school years and take the first calculated risk that works out right.  The world is right-side up, laughter bubbles and all is well…joy!


And then there are days of painful tears~theirs and yours as you each face disappointments and the reality that this life on earth…well, it’s just not going to be perfect, or even beautiful always.  That’s for another time and another place.  When the ever gentle hand of the bearer of tears will wipe them away from our faces for the last time. Oh, hallelujah.  Until then, motherhood sometimes dances with sadness :: heart heavy and steps awkward, an unwelcome union.

I’ve waltzed with both partners through the nearly 20 years of mothering; and the last several months found me stumbling between the two as my husband and I learned that our unwed teenage daughter was expecting, due 11 months after the last grace gift entered the family.  Our world came to a screeching halt.

At first, there were no words, none whatsoever.  There was nothing really but the auto-pilot nature that I’ve been given to just keep swimming, even if it’s upstream.  She needed us.  We are committed to her. And that was that.

But not really.  And there began a dance so wild, but not free.  So tender, but so broken.  And so desperately in need.  I argued with my Savior, tossing my grief and even anger His way.  I ‘gave up’ on certain days and wanted to quit…quit what?  Well, anything really.  Just to feel in control of something.  I did not despair of life, but I did despair.  For a time, there was little consolation of spirit.

Then the dance grew more still as the days passed.  No longer the frantic movements of a wounded spirit, whirling across the floor with sorrow as a primary partner.  With that same determination of a young mother’s heart, I chose an additional companion.  Not in denial or some fake-Christianity tactic, but a true bona fide choice to take it one step at a time.  With Him.  For really, what other option would lead me to freedom? 


When I could not see how to move forward, He answered.  He spoke words that have sustained me and kept my feet from falling.  He showed me how to continue in light of all of our ministry and family responsibilities.  He would not let me quit. 

And as the news has gone public, He is here.  Not being one to become consumed by other’s opinions or thoughts on my personal matters, I find this the easier portion of the journey though the loss of privacy is unsettling.  I had to find my footing with my Jesus first and foremost.  Oh, careless words find their way in and wound…I am human.  And the silence of friends messes with my mind :: for the life of me, I cannot understand why Christians (Christians!) stay quiet when they can offer an encouraging word—what are we so afraid of?

But all this aside for now...there’s a new grace gift coming!  And my heart has always and will always believe and proclaim that all children are a gift straight from the throne of heaven.  That’s how the Creator set it up.  What a super brilliant idea.  So we’ve prepared our hearts and minds around this reality. 

I’m not afraid to admit that every so often I still weave a path between grief and joy; swaying softly among the two. 

There’s no embarrassment in saying that :: it’s a dance after all….


{prayers for our family are appreciated ~ that we would fear God & honor His ways, that the darkest days are behind us and that we would all walk as children of the light.  thank you.}

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